Can i not drive my cunt home
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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