I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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