i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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