12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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