just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
