Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
