Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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