Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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