I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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