i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
No subtext here. People are naked.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
