i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
