My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
