thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
