oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
