First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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