When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
