Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why is your signature on my underwear?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
