everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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