got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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