I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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