On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
