i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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