But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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