I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
