1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
