captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
