Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
