I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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