Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
