im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
