I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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