I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
