I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
