my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
