Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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