Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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