OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
