Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
