the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I want to be your penis for a week.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
