Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
