Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
