how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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