It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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