I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
