Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
