oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
