Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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