ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
