WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just want nice things and good sex
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
