I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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