So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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