she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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