I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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