Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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