I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
