just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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