Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
